The Dosa Debacle
"Hurrayyyy! I did itttt.....I am prrrrrrrrroud of myself.....(other people) we are proud of you too.....!!! If you are thinking that those are the congratulations in order for passing a momentous entrance exam or something, think again. Oh, maybe on second thoughts you wouldn't be that wrong either...those were the reactions to my first unbroken, turned-and-cooked-completely Dosa.
Now, lets get to the history of the humble Dosa which graces the dining tables of almost all the south-indians, some of the north indians, and many of the complete indians at breakfast, lunch, dinner, in-between etc.
Dosa: Rice pancake made out of a batter of rice and pulse (urad for the hindi types) in a god-knows-what ratio. Some people also add semolina to ostensibly make the pancake crisper, but I believe it is just to complicate things.
This is not a chronicle of the Dosa's travel through time and ages. It is the story of my journey into the dark annals of the kitchen, battles with stubborn rice dough which sticks to frying griddles and the conquest. Maybe I am the stuff super hero(in)es are made of !
Scene 1: Early morning. Sunday. I woke up earlier than usual because I was nervous. About making dosas for breakfast. As I entered the kitchen, I secretly cursed all the times that I fought with my mother and gave my ubiquitous no-time excuse for not cooking at home. Here I was, nervous for the first time in my life. Never known to be nervous at debates, elocutions and quizzes, I was nervous in the kitchen...I guess debates are easier, everyone talks back in a human language. Kitchen appliances are equally mutinous, but in an underhand sort of way. Way difficult to tackle, you see.
Anyway, I pulled out the batter (no, I didn't grind it) out of the refrigerator, heated the griddle and began with the first attempt. Clumsily taking a spoon full of the batter, I spread it flat on the griddle, and waited for 5 minutes staring into space and reminiscing about my other super hero(in)e exploits. I got a faint burning smell and was immediately made aware of three things:
1. I had not oiled the griddle before spreading the batter.
2. I had not brandished the contraption required to turn the insane looking thing face down.
3. I had forgotten to turn the gas to a low flame.
I did the last two in that order (again wrong, should have turned the gas flame down first). And then began the arduous task of turning the by-now-ugly-looking pancake. I poured oil around its sides liberally, so much so that it dripped down the griddle to the sides of the cooking range. I attacked the pancake with the contraption mentioned. I was surprised at the tenacity of the thing. ( I don't know what else to call it). I took a deep breath, transformed myself into a superhero(ine) and put it under seige again. This time I attacked from north, south, east and west, in true keeping with historical battle plans. The thing surrendered, but in approximately six big pieces and innumerable smaller pieces. I had a triumphant smile. Well, I mutilated the enemy at least.
Around a minute from the first battle of Dosa-land, I in all wisdom, took off the griddle from the burner, washed it clear of the batter-stains of the previous battle, and placed it on a lit burner again. A second battle ensued. But this time the enemy yielded in approximately 3 pieces. Reduced by half, I excitedly calculated. Two more battles later, the enemy conceded, and there were no more mutilations.
When the time for breakfast came, I quickly hid the casualties of the battles, and served the voluntarily acceded territories...the result was appreciated, my warrior skills honed and sharp to the mutinies of the kitchen.
Phew....to all of you who are in the process of attempting dosas....they are stubborn and have a mind of their own. Give them their time and they shall accede to you. It took me five battles and half an hour of sweat drenching hard work. To some lucky ones, it shall be less. To some unfortunate ones, it shall be more. May the Lord be with you in all your endeavours.
Facts of Life (something more than the birds and the bees)
This one's been in the making for quite some time now....everytime I would try to compile a list of noteworthy facts of life from my maudlin experiences, my over-fed brain, which is infested with borrowed ideas, would vomit out some gibberish that at best, sounded over-the-top philosophical. And God knows, we don't need any over the top philosophy than we need God men. Let that be the first fact of life.
1. There is no requirement for philosophy in every day life. People who listen to philosophy intently are only pretending to do so, and in all probability, if you are the one doing the talking, you are just in denial of the fact that you are too boring to be listened to.
2. Reading books which preach about a higher purpose in life only serves to make you dissatisfied about what you are doing right now. Instead, try and enjoy your job and the monotony that it brings with it. After all, we tend to get used to everything beyond a certain point right?
3. More information brings less entropy. So if you are more restless than usual, do not get deluded into thinking that you know more than the rest. Actually, you are pathetically less informed as compared to that bland faced lady sitting right opposite. She is at least figuring out what to cook in the evening. You don't even know what you are thinking about.
4. Shouting out opinions about anything and everything at the top of your voice will only get you labelled as AFNS. That's the acronym for ALL FART NO SHIT. See...I knew you were pathetically ignorant. Keep quiet to appear smart. Shut up amid the cackle.
5. Most regular bloggers and blog-readers are idle. Look around you. Do you see anyone with even a bit of work at blogspot?
6. Most people claim to read classics at home, and never cart them around. That is because no one wants to be seen in public carrying a dictionary, thereby acknowledging the non-existence of respective vocabularies.
7. The book that leads nowhere wins the prize. Most prize winning books are nondescript and unintelligible beyond the author's name. That is how they win prizes. If no one understands the book in the jury, no one will dare to admit it for fear of exposing ignorance. Therefore, everyone says the book is great. The book goes on to win the prize.
8. When a train pulls into the platform, all women push and shove and clamber into the same compartment. The other one will remain empty. Therefore, get into the other compartment. But if you are a woman, you will also push and shove and clamber into the same compartment. The other compartment will still remain empty.
9. The only people who claim to understand life and what they want from it are the ones for whom it is too late to do anything. So stop bragging that you know how everything works. Unless you also, are way past the "will / can do" limit.
10. Everyone is optimistic but everyone is afraid to admit it in public. If you have not seen anything bad in life, you will naturally be optimistic. If your life has been too bad even for words, you will be optimistic because nothing can be worse than that. If you admit it in public, people will think you don't have enough experience of life.
11. Anything good remains good only if it happens to you. The moment it happens to someone else too, it becomes "not-that-great" and "commonplace". This fact is reversed in the instance of marriage. A woman or a man is good only until she/he becomes your wife/husband. The moment he/she marries someone else, he/she is superlative and the best example of mankind possible.
12. Everyone on the face of planet Earth will crib about marriage but will get jittery if the "marriageable" age goes past without the sign of an eligible partner. The fact is that all of us, even the dumb ones, require company. No one is dumb enough to be dumb alone.
13. If you hate your job, you are cut out for better things and more adventure in life. If you love your job, you are a complacent idiot.
14. No one will agree that any of the above facts are true. No one likes facts of life.
I think that's a decent way to end this....will be back with more facts gleaned from the world around....until then....keep idle, keep blogging!!
